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Emily North's foolproof 8-step routine ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏
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| BY EMILY NORTH |
| ANGEL CAKE |
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Emily North is based in Manhattan and is the author of Angel Cake on Substack, which she writes from her apartment in Greenwich Village—where her bathtub is in her kitchen and her living room is pink. When Emily is not writing, she is probably out buying another face mask or candle that she does not need. This is her ode to the ritual of self-tanning.
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| i was fifteen years old, translucently pale, and standing in my parents’ bathroom |
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I squinted at the tiny directions on the back of a bottle that explained how I should rub in the foamy brown substance in “broad, even strokes.” EVEN STROKES? How was I supposed to know what was “even” or not? What if I looked lopsided and everyone in class would know that I had not been kissed by the sun and had instead been accosted by my self-tanning mit? I did virtually no prep beforehand. At that time, I was someone who never even used an exfoliator before.
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I carefully uncapped the bottle and that specific, pungent smell filled the bathroom (if you have ever self-tanned before, you are probably smelling it right now). The final result was streaky, uneven, and way too dark. I felt amazing. I walked into school and was stopped by girls, teachers, and crushes telling me that there was something “different” about me but that it looked good. From that moment on, I was hooked. Eventually I graduated high school and collected my diploma—with orange fingers, of course—and headed off to college. That’s where I discovered the beauty of spray tanning salons with an unlimited membership for $30 a month. I immediately signed up and went at least once a week.
After years of many stained sheets and a streaky face, I decided that I needed to take a break from self-tanning and return to my natural hue and pheromones. I took five years off. It was just recently that I decided to dip my toe back into self-tanning. This time, I committed to a regimented step-by-step routine that would result in a much more natural and longlasting tan. Let’s go through my renewed ritual, shall we?
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| step 1: set the tone |
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Much to my neighbors chagrin, I play music out loud in my apartment at all times. To me, a ritual cannot begin until the tone of the room is set, and for me, that’s through music. Before I get into the shower, I’ll pick something out that is usually sweet and happy. This morning, I listened to
“Dedicated To The One I Love” by The Mamas & The Papas.
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| step 2: exfoliate x3 |
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The cardinal rule in self tanning is exfoliate, exfoliate, exfoliate! Trust me on this. Because I refused to regularly exfoliate for years, I probably built up an additional skin barrier purely made up of dead skin and fake tan. Learn from my mistakes! My go-to exfoliant is the Soft Services
Buffing Bar. I cannot imagine my life without it now. It is the only product I’ve used that really gets all the dead skin off, leaving behind the perfect base for an even application.
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| step 3: cleanse |
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I rinse off the exfoliant and immediately follow with a body cleanser. I prefer to use a gel based cleanser as opposed to a high-foaming cleanser because I find that it better hydrates my skin and locks in my tan.
Comfort Cleanse Shower Gel is great for this.
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| step 4: rehydrate |
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After I get out of the shower and lightly dry off in a big fluffy robe (that part is crucial for me—it’s part of the whole tone setting mentioned earlier), I like to add hydration back into the skin and lock in that moisture. Lately, I’ve been enjoying the
Speed Soak Rehydrating Gel because it goes on easier than a traditional lotion, particularly when applied to wet skin.
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| step 5: it’s time |
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The time has come to bust out my old trusty friend, the self-tanning mitt. My self-tans are made possible by the St.Tropez brand. Both
their applicator mitt and
classic bronzing foam have never let me down. I’ve found that they leave me looking the most natural—NOT like an orange cheeto. And again, as I once did in childhood, I apply the self-tanning foam in “broad, even strokes” all over my body (I still don’t fully know what that means).
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| step 6: call in backup |
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Community is built for moments like these—especially if you live alone like me. I go downstairs to my best friend’s apartment and have her do my back so I do not look insane and uneven. The perks of being four floors above your friends.
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step 7: marinate
then rinse |
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I rinse off after about six to eight hours, but this will be dependent on which self-tanner you use. If you are sleeping in your self-tan layer overnight, I recommend wearing a “special” pair of sweatpants to bed that you don’t mind ruining. Your sheets will thank you... Nobody ever said the road to happiness was easy!
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step 8: admire
your work |
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I look in the mirror and feel absolutely incredible, beautiful, unstoppable.
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There is something addictingly cathartic in the way I prep and exfoliate for this routine, almost as though I am shedding my bad habits and insecurities for new skin. That probably sounds hyperbolic, but that is just how strongly I believe in the power of fake tanning!!!!
Every time I rub that gooey, fragrant foam onto my skin in “broad, even strokes,” I imagine the type of person I will become once I am tan:
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I urge you to roll up your sleeves, find your mitt, and become your highest self!!!!!
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